Black Sheep- White Cow – Swimming Against the Status Quo

The English language describes a black sheep as an odd disreputable member or group, especially within a family. Typically this is a negative implication. In other languages the term white cow is the same definition.
From a psychology point of view it defines a group or members of one’s own family who behave in a way such as to jeopardize the groups/family image – an unlikeable member – an embarrassment if you will.

In 1988 Elizabeth Stone stated in her book Black Sheep/Kissing Cousins -''The inclusion of the black sheep testifies to the family's dominant value, which is family unity.'' And she goes on to say ''the black sheep needs to be there for the holidays to remind the rest of the family of how wonderful they are.  'Otherwise, one of the white sheep might look quizzically at someone else and say, 'Hey, you look a little gray.' "

When I look back over my life’s journey I can pretty well tell you I was the black sheep within all my groups – family – school – socially – professionally and as much as I hate to admit it my faith base family.  There are times I think I actually broke the mold of the Southern Bread Southern Belle!

Today, I am somewhat of a black sheep/white cow in many circles. I do not conform to just the “Status Quo” folks but seem to take my individual stand.  Many times my individual stand can rub against the favor of many.

For whatever the reason my childhood, teenage and early adulthood did not go well.  My parents did not know what to do with me or for me, nor did my teachers – there is no doubt for whatever reason I seem to make really poor choices.  The results were not great and many to this day I sadly regret.

The flip side to all of this, it has open doors for me to counsel many young person and women who need to know that they are truly people of worth and value.

In a recent blog I referred to The Help book/movie.  There are several scenes that I truly could relate to as far as rejection, not being a part of and even shunned.

Several years ago, I was in the midst of re-establishing myself.  Finances were at an all time low.  I can remember calling some of my “sisters and brothers” of the Faith.  No one wanted or chose to help.  I can remember asking a couple of my close “sisters” to assist me with toilet paper/paper towels and other essentials. Not only was it degrading emotionally to ask for help, it was even more hurtful to never receive the first piece of paper towel or one role of toilet paper. Within that same time frame in the midst of sharing my “need” two all so humble brothers, promoting helping hands, just flat out told me “NO” there was no help for me. You could hear the contempt in the voice.   Truly these are the moments I knew I was the “Black Sheep/White Cow” of my Faith Base Family!  Why – because I had taken my stand on many issues over the years and many a time not graciously. Remember – People remember the negatives far more than the positives in your life.

Another interesting scenario that comes to mind – Being at the wrong place at the wrong time can also tag you as a Black Sheep/White Cow.  As a young adult I went to stay with some Faith Base Family.  Their “unsaved” son and I went riding around – late at night – noting but hanging out.  It caused a “Big Problems” – the worst was thought – years and years passed and I remember sharing with his mom and another dear friend, wanting to clear the air.  They rejected very clearly what I shared.  They “wanted” to believe what they believed”. A poor but innocent choice as a young adult was never forgiven or believed.  

The stories and scenarios are more numerous than I care to remember.
 
So just why have i chosen  to write this particular blog - what is my purpose?  Because i want to state That it is Not a BAD Thing to Be a Black Sheep/White Cow!  And it is not not to dog those that make one feel like the Black Sheep/White Cow.  For most Black Sheep/White Cows are wonderful - creative people that have rich real life experiences that should be embraced.  We are certainly not Vanilla Folk!!

So for what it is worth - Here are some of my main  lessons learned:

First and the most important lesson is to forgive and move on and to embellish myself with love and forgiveness. I do not try and conform or pour myself into a mold that is not made for me.

Secondly, I have learned to take my poor choices as a platform in order to teach others.  Taking one’s stand as an individual is a hard and sometimes lonely place to be, but if you know you have truth – then stand but don’t push it down the throats of those that have their fingers pointing at you.

Thirdly, I have learned I don’t have to beg those to believe my change – my stand or my conviction. I believe that I do have to make good choices and react to any one with respect for myself.  This one has probably been the hardest lesson and I am not sure even today I do it as well as I should.

As I shared with a dear precious lady whom I respect and love so much – Being a Black Sheep/White Cow is not necessarily a bad thing.  I do believe I am the President of “The Black Sheep/White Cow Club”.

For within my being are the war wounds from the past and some I will have from the present.  They keep me humble – they keep me real and they keep me the individual Sassy Southern Belle I am.. 

9/11 - The Help - Mary Lou Galloway

On Sunday - September 11, 2011, I realized just how deeply my pain of my life was.  Even though there has been so much emotional and physical healing over my life, the memories that floated through my mind stung deeply.  Ouch! Pain I thought you were gone!!

For all of us 9/11 will forever be deeply rooted within us.  Each one of us have stories and emotions for this day that Changed The World as we knew it.  For 9/11 not only changed me as an American, but it  marked the beginning of every areas of my life being shattered apart, leaving me totally undone.  My professional life, my personal life and even my spiritual life had been shattered. 

Knowing my emotions were already in the ouch stage, I went recently to see The Help.  The book itself had left me somewhat bittersweet for it allowed memories from growing up to spring forth!  The movie was very well done in keeping with The Book.  What I was not expecting was the emotional roller coaster it would take me on.  There were so many scenes that jerked opened memories that had nothing to do with the movie but with my life and those that have been apart of my life. As I told my BFF I could write  side bar emotional scenarios all through.

So with all that being said about 9/11 and The Help I will unfold for you some of my thoughts and I am sure many of you will have your own sidebar thoughts as well.

When my folks adopted me, my mother hired a young girl around 10 - 11 years old to play with me.  Over the years she became a very important part of my life - my whole families life.  My folks regarded her with great respect.  In fact one of the facts about my folks that I must say was a very positive influence in my life was being raised to respect others for who they are, not for their ethnic differences.

Mother's name was Mary and this young lady's name was Mary.  Thus she became to all of us Little Mary.  She was academically very smart - She was very creative - and she played the piano like the keys were magic under her touch.

Mary Lou Galloway - how I wish I knew where you were - I would just say thank you for loving me right where I was - being their for those moments of sadness in my life as a young girl.  I think of you often and would just like to know you are doing well.

Memories of Little Mary are highlighted with Playing "Daddy's Britches" laughing so hard I cried with wonderful delight - learning to play the piano by ear - playing with your doll - hugging me when I failed at so many thing - taking you to college and attending your bridal shower.  You gave to us all so unselfishly.

One of the memories that stands out so vividly that was prompted by The Help, was when we went to South Georgia one summer.  One of my aunts planned an outdoor cook out - and she did not want Mary to eat with us.  Even as a young girl, I was so offended at her - I waited and ate with Little Mary.  In looking back, I wish I could have just slapped my aunt for being so rude.

I don't remember the last time I actually saw Little Mary, I think it was some 30 plus years ago that I actually talked to her o the phone - Where ever you are today - Know that I love you dearly and I thank you all you gave of yourself to me and to my family.

For now I will end   . . .  Would love to hear your thoughts and memories from 9/11 and The Help.